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What is a Mother Wound?

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A “mother wound” is not a term we often hear, so if you’re wondering if you or someone you care about has a “mother wound,” you have come to the right place. 

There is no official clinical mental health diagnosis for the mother wound, but it is a form of complex trauma that can be passed down from one generation to the next. The mother wound is most often associated with daughters and mothers, but sometimes sons can have mother wounds as well. 

What is a Mother Wound? 

To put it simply, the mother wound is the loss or lack of mothering - the loss or lack of getting what we needed as a child growing up from our mother. Much of how we develop our sense of self and who we are comes from our mother as Kristina Robb-Dover says in her article “How to Heal from a ‘Mother Wound’ and Family Trauma.” When we are nurtured, protected, and cared for it develops a sense of security within us and trust with others. How we develop within the context of relationship with our mother often shapes how we view ourselves, others, and the world. 

“Maternal love is our first experience of what love feels like, and the maternal care we receive informs how we feel about ourselves throughout life” (McDaniel, 2021). 

In Stephi Wagner’s article, “What is the Mother Wound,” she describes that the mother wound happens when a mother causes their child pain and/or trauma in the context of relationship with their mother. The harm can happen at any stage of their life - infant, child, teen, or adult. The harm could have been a one-time event or ongoing for a long period of time.  

The Mother Wound can take several different forms as listed below:

Emotional Mother Wound

  • Manipulative

  • Guilt trip 

  • Emotional caretaker of your mother

  • Gaslighting 

  • Verbal abuse

  • Mocking

  • Shaming

  • Showing favoritism 

  • Parentification

  • Neglect

Physical Mother Wound

  • Hitting 

  • Spanking

  • Swatting

  • Pinching

  • Beating

  • Slapping

  • Smacking

Sexual Mother Wound

  • Body shaming

  • Sexual abuse

  • Slut shaming

  • Rejecting of sexual orientation

  • Silence when another adult does the above

Spiritual / Religious Mother Wound

  • Forced prayer

  • Mandatory service attendance

  • Coerced beliefs

  • “Because god says”

  • rejection of chosen spiritual beliefs

Economic / Financial Mother Wound

  • Using money / purchased to manipulate

  • Controlling access to money / purchased items

  • Destruction of property

  • Evicting or threatening eviction 

The Signs and Symptoms of the Mother Wound

In Stephi Wagner’s article, “What is the Mother Wound,”  and Sherry Gaba’s article, who is a Licensed Social Worker, “The Mother Wound” they state that the following are signs and symptoms that you may have a mother wound: 

  • Feeling overly responsible for the feelings of others

  • Pattern of dismissing your own needs and feelings 

  • History of unfulfilling, difficult or even broken relationships

  • Inability to handle conflict confidently and effectively

  • Difficulty saying no, setting boundaries, or asserting yourself

  • Struggles with ongoing depression and/or anxiety

  • Discomfort with an even hatred towards your own body

  • Sexual inhibition and/or dysfunction coupled with insecurity regarding sex and pleasure

  • Persistent sense you are either “too much” or “not enough”

  • Feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, self-loathing, guilt, and shame

  • Caring too much about the judgements and opinions of others

  • Eating disorders

  • Addictions

  • Never feeling like you had your mothers approval or acceptance 

  • Concerns about not being loved by their mother or not being loved as much as other siblings or family members

  • Difficulties in relating to the mother on an emotional level

  • Uncertainty about the relationship with the mother and if it could be lost with a mistake or an accident

  • Always trying to do better or to be perfect, to attempt to gain your mother's attention and acceptance

  • Feelings of having to protect, care for, or shelter your mother rather than her protecting, caring for and sheltering you

If any of these signs or symptoms resonate with you, it is important you seek professional help to learn how to navigate these wounds and find healing. Most of us cannot do this work on our own which is why I recommend working with an attachment-focused therapist. No matter where you are at in your journey to finding healing from a mother wound, a qualified attachment-focused therapist can help. Reach out to me today if you would like to take the next step in your healing journey.

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